This is my first blog post in a long, long time. I used to have a Xanga site when I was playing with the band I used to be in, when I used the blog as a means to work through my thoughts - mostly on being alone, wresting with God, making music among other things - but I stopped using it after a time because that period of my life, in many ways, all at once came to a close - an end of a chapter, if you will. I had a thought the other day while praying with someone that struck me and I couldn't shake it.
Specifically, while praying through some of my own sin, I started thinking about why some people might not have strong affections for God leading to confession and repentance, and the passage in John 8:1-11 came to mind. This is a passage with so many things going on at once, all centering around a woman who has been caught in adultery and who is now being brought before Jesus as a test. Here is the passage:
{1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. 3 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst 4 they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. 5 Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6 This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground.}
I've heard this taught many times and in different ways, and one particular way I've heard it taught suggested that this woman had actually been dragged half-naked to Jesus as the Pharisees attempted to trick Him - calling upon the law of Moses as a means for Him to judge her by, which would mean her death by way of stoning. Maybe my love for the show Heroes has caused me to look at this situation like Hiro Nakamura, but in my head I have frozen this moment in time and walked around it... thinking about this woman and all of the emotions she must have been feeling in this moment. I see you and I so much in this woman.
Think about all of the different things she was dealing with for a moment...
1. She was caught in adultery so she was already living in sin, and was "caught" not repentantly but by people who sought to make an example of her. So there might have been shame, callousness at her sin, and possibly deeply rooted pains that caused her to get to the point of adultery in the first place.
2. Her sin had now been made public and she was, (according to one way I've heard this taught), dragged half-naked from where she had been caught in her act of adultery... all the way to Jesus. There must have been shame from both being caught and being publicly naked, and physical pain from being dragged.
3. Imagine the anxiety and fear she must have felt knowing she was being taken to be judged for her sin, and the implications of her specific sin...
-Each step of the way the pain, guilt, anxiety, shame and physical pain walking with her to and foreshadowing her impending death. This is all before she even got to Jesus.
4. She had to listen to these evil men, disguised as ministers of the light, as wolves in sheep's clothing, condemn her while provoking Jesus with her necessary judgment. Literally adding insult to injury. She was on display... laying bare, awaiting judgment, being verbally condemned by the religious elite, emotionally and physically abused... knowing that her actions had opened the door for her to be brought to the place she where she was now shamefully displayed.
The story and passage finishes this way:
{7 And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. 10 Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”}
In the midst of praying over the sin in my life and working through unreconciled sin between me and a loved one... while my want for judgment was all at once intermingled with my want for grace... it struck me that I haven't walked in a moment by moment acknowledgment of who I am because of Christ. I have cheapened His grace and His cross as if all Christ did was pay of my student loans or something, resulting in gratitude for sure, but overall mainly just causing relief, not devotion and deeply rooted love and unworthiness.
-How many of us demean the cross, and it's implications for us?
-How many of us pridefully reduce our sinful actions, which caused the cross' necessity, to something like having a bill being paid for us when we couldn't pay it - instead of viewing our condition as one of being laid bare before the law and those who would carry it out; awaiting death while being tortured both physically and emotionally, and all because of our own actions that merited those results?
If we did... if we kept this perspective void of pride and full of humility, I believe that we wouldn't have a problem with gratitude, confession or repentance. If we believed that Christ did more for us than conveniently pay a debt for us that we couldn't pay or pay back, but instead saved us from death, condemnation, shame, and most importantly God's wrath - we would give our lives to His cause of redemption.
I stepped inside of this woman's story... into her condition, and realized that while inside her picture I was also standing in my own.
In that moment I was grateful... I was humbled... and I worshipped and praised God for His love. Jesus has reached down to me without shame in His eyes, but love. He has clothed me with His righteousness even as my sin is being exposed. By the lashes He took - through His bloody beating I am healed. He has given me LIFE when death was merited... and He has given me the task of continuing in this ministry of grace. It is only by His grace that there are moments when I see myself for who I really am... which causes me to look upon His grace with so much gratitude, humility and love...
When I came to realize that I was the one... naked, bloody and ashamed, my heart was stirred with affections for Him. I pray we can all be brought low so that His glory and grace will be magnified in our lives.
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